Why is it so hard for me to define my emotions? They are present, but I can’t put them in a bucket. I want so badly not to feel and not care and pretend as if I am indifferent. And maybe I really am. I am very confused. Sex…yes, that’s always great. Always has been. That’s why this has lasted so long (in some way, not all). But I am a woman and it makes me vulnerable.

I woke up this morning with feelings of sadness that it’s over. And I don’t like that. I feel like I’m giving and not receiving. Because once again, he doesn’t care one way or another. One minute I want to cuddle or hold his hand and the next I have to put my guard up. If only I had known that refusing to have one conversation would end in this. This undefined space where anything and nothing goes all the same.

Let’s not forget that things were not even close to rosy before his sudden shift in focus and priorities. Contempt was heavy. Apparently on both sides. Communication was broken. I was emotionally manipulative and he was verbally aggressive. We didn’t spend time together. There was no real intimacy. Sex…there was sex. There was pain and unforgiveness. Pride and anger. The list goes on. Neither of us was remotely happy. We were functional at best.

So why do I feel a sense of loss? Is it because I know that he has no intention of fixing things? It doesn’t fit in his five year plan. Happy marriage is more of a distraction than it is a goal.

I am lonely. I miss having an emotional connection beyond that of best friend. Oh how I wish I was 23 again. Single and hopeful. Believing that I had what I needed without a man and desiring to keep it that way. Dating who I wanted with no commitment. I wish I could feel that way again. My actions weren’t very godly. I lived in and out of sin. But the confidence I had. That was great.

We’re about to go to dinner and I’m like…Umm…okay, what are we doing? This is awkward. I feel awkward. Yeah. This is very awkward.

—–

The movies were awkward. It was like that weird date you have with a friend to figure out if it works as more than friends. I feel super weird. Like, he could be on a date with anyone. I feel like I’m on a date. One of those, I’m going to be courteous and take you out because I like you, but I don’t think this will turn into anything more. That kind of date. But my emotions won’t leave it at that. My mind is totally fine, but my heart is like, “Why did you have to go and fuck things up? You wanted so much to escape. To be alone. How’s that working out for you, dumbass?”

Am I overthinking this whole thing? I mean, I don’t really think he’s thinking about it. He’s got 999 things to think about and I’m not one of them. I mean, we’re going to movies and out to dinner though…Sure, I miss my partner. It wasn’t perfect but it was something, I hate to see her hurting. I want my marriage back though…nope. Not on his trajectory. And honestly, when he’s away, I don’t have those thoughts either, mostly.

And thus the story of our toxic relationship. If we would just stay apart, time would pass, life would go on, we’d both find peace and happiness either alone or with someone else. Him first. He’s going to fall in love with someone else first. He will always love me, his best friend, the mother of his children, etc, etc, etc. But he’s going to find his ride or die chick and…well, I guess he’ll have his life partner and I’ll be single and free. We’ll have what we thought we wanted—15 years too late. In the meantime…

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

—–

Would the God I know, having knowledge of his plan and hope and standard of marriage, would he speak only to the man without speaking to the wife, knowing that in leaving her out of the conversation, more separation than reconciliation would occur?