I’ve prayed and fasted for three days. I’ve asked God to tell me what to do. Show me what to do. I’m hoping he gets that I mean within my marriage. Of course he does. So, three days in, here’s what I know.

I Don’t Know!!!

I keep saying that I don’t have words to describe where we are and how we got here. And that is because I genuinely have no idea. Either it was lost in translation or just wasn’t shared with me. Nevertheless, I simply do not know. I’ve made all sorts of assumptions that are most likely incorrect:

…He yells at me because he’s stressed out at work and takes his frustrations out on me.
…He doesn’t have peace when he comes home because the house isn’t clean and I greet him with complaints.
…He doesn’t like the way I run the house or raise the kids because my standards are lower than his.
…He’s angry that I won’t plan with him.
…He’s hurt that I won’t travel with him.
…He left me because I would not plan our lives in Chicago.
…He feels I am a bad wife (generally speaking).

These are all assumptions. In fact, they have to be because when I share them with him, he says that’s not it. So what is it? What are the explanations for these things?

I’m not a bad person, bad mother, sister, friend, employee…but I am and have been for a long time, a horrible wife to my husband. And I didn’t know it. I was and have been such a bad wife that my husband is willing to give it all up. Everything. His primary objective is to be free of me. And I don’t know why.

I guess I’ll have to wait for the opportunity to listen.