The last time was easy because he wasn’t here. I had no choice but to focus on finding my joy in the midst of the storm. This time is hard. It’s one thing to be separated in his absence. It’s another thing to be absent in his presence. Constant reminders that he is mentally and emotionally gone but physically still here. Knowing that he will physically return but has not plans or desires to come back in any other way. The false words of care or concern. I cannot accept them.

I’m living with one of those people who smile and converse but really want nothing to do with you. It’s selfish on his part. Forcing me to live in an environment where I know I’m not wanted. Where my feelings don’t matter. An environment where I have much to offer and no ability to influence. Where I am bound by my roles and responsibilities. Where my ability to find peace is constantly challenged by the presence of the person who has caused the disruption. To sleep in the same bed. To say hello and good morning. To answer questions when they are asked. To function as a teammate when you’re playing for different teams.

I am resentful. I am full of contempt. The many opportunities I’ve had to leave and my incessant need to stay. The belief that I couldn’t live without him. The desperation. I chased. I pursued. He equally tried to get away. He left time and time again. But I chased him. I did everything I could to convicnce him that were were meant to be together. And the time in which I truly want him to go his own way, he won’t leave.

He has peace in this environment. My heart, my feelings, my pain are all irrelevant. Because he has chosen to find solace despite my presence. He has found a way to pursue God as an individual. He does not need a marriage. He does not need a wife. He is committed to God and himself.

Good for you. But how selfish of you to make me live with you but alone. It’s very selfish of you.

I am saddened. I am angry. I am full of contempt. I don’t want to do what I know I should do because I’m not sure I want to go back. I may not like the idea of being alone, but I loathe the idea of being denied the love I know I’m worthy of.